Should you Forgive a Narcissist?

Forgiveness often evokes strong feelings of those who have wronged us, including individuals with narcissistic traits. This reflection can generate anger tied to past pain, which can feel burdensome, similar to carrying a heavy backpack full of bricks. A narcissist relies on our forgiveness with the forgetfulness of their harmful behavior. It is important to note that forgiveness does not equate to forgetting the pain experienced. According to Psychotherapist,  Judith Acosta of Huffpost, “Forgiveness is the letting go of hatred, resentment and pointless, pervasive and paralyzing fear. It does not mean that we must be foolishly fearless or naive.”  Your anger is justified.  It is human nature to feel anger against someone who has wronged you.  In fact, we need to feel this anger in order to grow.  It is how long we carry that anger that matters.

When we choose not to forgive a narcissist. Most people will advise you not to forgive a narcissist. You might hear comments like, “They don’t deserve it” or “You are letting them get away with it!” The biggest misconception about forgiveness is that it means letting the other person off the hook for their behavior. In reality, forgiveness is the opposite to that. Forgiveness means that you no longer accept their behavior and that you are not personalizing it.  If we choose not to forgive, we may start to view the world as a more fearful place. This perspective can affect how we perceive others, make life choices, and feel in general. It is our judgment of the other person (whether justified or not) that keeps us tied to our pain. When you think about it, how is it that we allow someone else to have authority over our emotions? This is where our ego comes into play. The ego acts as a form of self-protection against our insecurities. If we were truly secure in that area, we wouldn’t react negatively; we wouldn’t care as much. It is our reactions that amplify these insecurities within us.  When we choose not to forgive, we carry the pain with us into every aspect of our lives. It implies, “I still care about the narcissist enough to remain angry.” As humans, we experience emotions, and it is perfectly okay to feel anger towards malicious behavior directed at us. However, we must recognize that holding onto that anger for too long will ultimately cause us more harm in the long run.  When we don’t forgive, we are expecting the other person admit some sort of fault or admittance. This expectation for them to be what we think they should be only negatively affects us.  The narcissist remains the same.

“It is our judgment of the other person that keeps us tied to our pain.”

When we choose to forgive a narcissist.  When we confront our insecurities and cultivate self-compassion, we become less effected by the reactions of others. Forgiveness is the key to our freedom and happiness; it involves letting go of anger and recognizing that neither we nor others are perfect human beings. Forgiveness requires humility and a conscious choice—it's a journey that, once embarked upon, leads to personal growth. Forgiveness enables us to emotionally distance ourselves from the actions of others. It involves seeing individuals as they truly are, without personalized judgment. We must understand that people often make poor choices.  Some more than others.  Our judgments only affect us, not them. You will know you have fully forgiven someone when the anger has faded. This allows you to live your life unburdened, free from the "bag of bricks" that resentment brings. We come to realize that the person we were angry with acted out of their own insecurities and fears. Ultimately, it is not they who changed in the relationship, but we did. We have the capacity for growth. When we forgive, our perspective shifts, enabling us to view them and ourselves through a new lens—a higher frequency of energy. This is something to strive for if your goal in life is to be free and happy. It's also essential to remember the pain you experienced. This lack of acknowledgment is what kept you tied to the narcissist and going back to them. It is false hope. By choosing not to forget, you set boundaries or perhaps even end the relationship. You become wiser to avoid falling for their manipulative tactics again. Accepting that the narcissist cannot genuinely care for or love you is crucial; they lack the capacity to love as you do. Recognizing this gives you a stronger sense of control and self.  Forgiveness is meant for us. It has nothing to do with them. We must recognize our own self-worth to achieve it. We can no longer wait for the narcissist to change or seek validation from them in order to feel worthy. Your value is not determined by the narcissist; it comes from within you. In the past, we may have given away a part of our identity to them, but it is our responsibility to reclaim it. The silver lining in this experience is that it can lead to an even stronger sense of self. This new identity will teach us that not everyone has good intentions, reminding us that we need to do better to protect who we are.  Once you realize this, you will be truly free to become the person you were meant to be.

If you are located in Illinois and struggling to find your peace, please contact me @ www.serenetherapist.com to begin your journey.