Attachment styles can play a significant role in how we form relationships. Our attachment styles were developed from the day we were born. We all have a dominant attachment style, which can fluctuate depending on the other person’s attachment style and the relational experiences that we go through in life. Relationships can become complicated or even toxic, depending on the attachment styles at play. There are 4 main attachment styles that can develop.

The first attachment style is an anxious attachment. This attachment is usually expressed based on a fear of abandonment. This can develop when a parent becomes enmeshed with their child causing the child to become codependent. The child could have also experienced inconsistent love from their caregiver. The child learns to fear abandonment. As a result, they may enter relationships where they experience abandonment, reinforcing their fears. In order to control this fear in relationships, they may become clingy, controlling, or even suspicious of their partner’s loyalty to the relationship.

The next attachment style is an avoidant attachment. This style is based on a fear of intimacy. This style can be formed when the parent or caregiver was distant or emotionally unavailable to the child. As a result, they may want to keep a safe distance from their partner, without getting too emotionally close. Getting too close to a person may be interpreted by them as the potential for that person to hurt them. There is an avoidance to commit fully to others in relationships.

Then there is the disorganized attachment style. This involves a high level of both anxiety and avoidance. This particular attachment style is developed when the caregiver lacked consistency in nurturing behaviors. The caregiver may have been enmeshed at one point, then dismissive to the child. Rightfully so, the child is confused, and both the fear of abandonment and intimacy develops. This is also where a child may have experienced emotional, physical, or sexual abuse by their caregiver.

Lastly, is the secure attachment. This is where the child was given the love needed for them to feel secure about relationships. Someone with a secure attachment is able to be vulnerable with their partner and also receive love from their partner without feeling threatened. They also tend to set boundaries with others when necessary.

Attachment-Styles-Narcissism — Attachment Styles

Which attachment style is a narcissist most likely to be with in a relationship? Any attachment style could pair up with a narcissistic person. We will discuss some of the more common pairings. Before fully answering this question, it is important to recognize that there are 2 primary types of narcissists.

First, there is the grandiose narcissist. This type has an outward expression of a self-inflated ego. They will have no qualms about telling you how great they are. They believe that they are above other people. They display the characteristic of arrogance. For the grandiose narcissist, there is a focus on finding confident partners that may lean more towards the avoidant attachment style. The avoidant attached person tends to make the grandiose narcissistic person feel proud to have a “trophy” partner, which then supports their ego. The avoidant attached person can also be seen as a challenge to the grandiose narcissist, keeping them invested to “win” their partner over. Avoidant attached people are not always looking for validation from their partner, in fact they try to avoid it. This dynamic works because a grandiose narcissist is not prone to give genuine validation or attention. Nevertheless, this relationship can still be very toxic. The avoidant attached person’s desire for independence could be perceived as rejection that can shake the narcissist’s sense of self. The narcissist may resort to manipulation because it is their way of getting attention or to control their partner. The narcissist’s manipulation attempts may not be as successful as intended with an avoidant attached person. Failed attempts may provoke a lot of anger in the grandiose narcissist. On the contrary, if there is some type of balance, it may lead to the relationship lasting longer at a more superficial level.

The vulnerable narcissist is the other primary type of narcissist. The vulnerable narcissist tends to be in relationships with the anxious attachment or the disorganized attachment style type. Like the grandiose narcissist, they think they are above others but, they are less likely to make this known to others. They are not as outwardly expressive with their ego as with the grandiose narcissist. This type may take the role of the victim in order to get their ego needs met. They seem to rely more on the neediness of the anxiously attached person in order to boost their ego. The anxiously attached person overvalues the vulnerable narcissist, undervalues their self, and expresses codependency behaviors with the vulnerable narcissist. A vulnerable narcissist is perfectly content with this set up as he overvalues his self and undervalues the anxious attached person. A vulnerable narcissist’s ego can thrive on how much affection and attention a codependent or anxious attached person can give them. There is constant flow of empathy given to the narcissist, who can lack this quality within themselves. Due to the natural progression of narcissistic relationships, the devaluation stage significantly decreases the anxious attached person’s self-worth. With this type of relationship, the anxious attached person becomes even more anxious as the devaluation of the narcissist triggers their fear of abandonment. With the anxious attached person becoming more anxious, the vulnerable narcissist becomes angrier and more controlling. The anxious attached person lacks the ability to set boundaries, and the narcissist continues to cross boundaries. The anxious attached person will begin losing their identity piece by piece as they invest more and more emotion into the relationship. For the anxious attached person, this set up can mimic a similar experience of their past, possibly a child-parent relationship and/or a previous romantic relationship.

Another toxic relationship pairing is the vulnerable narcissist and the disorganized attached person. Since the disorganized attached person is dealing with higher levels of anxiety and avoidance in relationships, this push pull dance could leave any partner wondering where they stand. For the vulnerable narcissist, they may find that their manipulation tactics work at times and not so much at other times. This may invoke a lot of anger and anxiety in the vulnerable narcissist, and they may resort to more desperate and harmful behaviors to maintain control. They just can’t seem to pin the disorganized person down to obtain a constant flow of narcissistic supply that they so desperately need. The anxious attached nature of the vulnerable narcissist becomes the trigger to the disorganized attached person’s fear of intimacy. The fluctuations between the fears of intimacy and abandonment leave the disorganized attached person wanting the relationship and also hating the relationship. This concept can be seen in those with borderline personality traits. They may demonstrate erratic emotions, interpersonal difficulties, and an unstable sense of identity. The pain can go deep for the disorganized attached person as there is no balance or equilibrium that satisfies their fears. The structure of the relationship can involve intense highs and extreme lows. The anger and anxiety of the vulnerable narcissist increases with the frequency changes between the fears of the disorganized attached person. This can most definitely lead to a more volatile and toxic relationship. In some instances, the disorganized attached person ends the relationship as to prevent the vulnerable narcissist from abandoning them first.

What happens when a narcissist gets involved with a secure attached person? It can happen, albeit not as common. If the person is secure enough, they are able to set and follow through with self-boundaries that will prevent the narcissist from controlling and manipulating them. The secure attached person has to have enough self-awareness to realize that manipulation is even occurring. This is not always the case and even a secure and confident person could be manipulated by a narcissist. A person who is secure, might have blind spots that the narcissist may target. If the narcissistic person manages to infiltrate a secure attached person’s insecurity, the secure attached person could shift to more insecure attachment style. If the narcissist is unable to control the secure attached person, then the narcissist will either increase the level of manipulation, change manipulation tactics, or move on to another source of narcissistic supply. When the secure attached person holds onto their boundaries, the latter is most likely to occur.

Taking all of this into consideration, it is important to understand that the level of attachment and narcissistic traits are positioned on a spectrum. Consulting with a professional is necessary to receive any diagnosis. Moreover, this information prompts the notion to never base your self-worth on the opinions of another person. It is sometimes hard to know what to look for if you have never experienced manipulation by a narcissistic person. Once you do, it will be a lesson you will never forget.

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